Dear A...

Dear A,

On the 30th of September 2016, we met for the first time. It was the bar crawl night during the first week of freshers, and I remember it like it was yesterday. But let’s start right from the beginning shall we?

So do you remember those AWFUL meals we had in sprinters that was included with our rent? well on the 30th of September at dinner, I asked my flat mate if she knew who you were because you instantly caught my eye, and it just so happens that she new you as you live near her back where you are from. She said that if you were out that night that she would introduce me. Well guess what? you were out, and we got talking. Never in a million years did I think that would happen due to you being extremely attractive and well, me…being me.

I remember a guy trying to chat me up and me writing in my notes on my phone ‘help me’ and you got me away from him and then we ended up leaving together. We spent the night together and then in the morning I had to go and get my hair cut. Once I left, I thought that was going to be it, just my first one night stand but to my surprise you came up to me at dinner the next day and said my hair looked good. After that we started hanging out, watching movies, getting food together I honestly thought that eventually we may have ended up together. But then it all stopped and you got a girlfriend.

I was heartbroken, I thought I had felt pain in my past but I had never felt pain like that. The feeling of not being wanted, feeling like you had just used me that whole time, maybe you just felt sorry for me, or maybe you did like me but was ashamed of liking me? I guess I will never know.

So anyway, I decided I was going to forget about you and move on, even though you were on my mind every single second of every single day and I didn’t see or hear from you for over a year. I was over it and wasn’t expecting to see you or hear from you ever again (Even though every time I went clubbing during second year or up to uni for lectures I would still always look out for you, but you were never around).

So then 3rd year begins, and I look at my phone one night and theres a message from you. The boy that I was madly in love with during first year asking me if I wanted to meet up. At first I was going to say no, but there was a part of me that was interested to see you and see if you had changed much. We met up at the beach, and as soon as I saw you the feelings and butterflies came flooding back, like it was first year all over again. I thought maybe you may give us a try now that you weren’t with your gf but I knew not to get my hopes up. If you didn’t want me during first year, why would you want me now?

We’ve met up a few times throughout 3rd year, every time me hoping that your message would be you asking me out on a date, but it was always when you had been drinking and wanted to stay over, or we’ve both been out and bumped into each other and ended up going home together. It’s never been you genuinely wanting to spend time with me and I feel so stupid for letting you treat me like that but at the end of the day, you were my first for many things, but especially my first love and you will always have a place in my heart.

On Saturday the 27th of April 2019, we said goodbye. I probably won’t ever see you again now that we are both moving home for good, and i’m not exactly sure how to feel about it? Maybe it is for the best, I can try and move on and get over the fact that you will never want me like I have always wanted you.

Wishing you all the best for the future,

Shannon x

Shannon Stillman